Trans – Life & Fiber

@MountainColors Bearfeet, Blooming Gale — I always have socks on the needles. It means warm feet & a socially acceptable stim.

I started these socks over the weekend knowing I had several appointments this week. I use a medical ride company, Logisticare, and often spend quite a while in transit (since we have to pick up other patients) or waiting for my ride, and I see no point in wasting that time when I could be working on socks or a simple shawl.

Most of the increasing was done on Monday, and yesterday I did about half an inch. I knit a bit faster when I’m nervous, even when I’m being careful of my gauge. The last socks I took off the needles are just a titch tighter than I’d prefer.

Have I mentioned that only six months ago did my state decide to let Medicaid patients get transition services? And no one really even knows what that means. So far, HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) has been going through without issue from a pretty firm set of providers (I’m going to Planned Parenthood, who seems to be the ones covering my area) and sometimes even surgery has been approved.

It took a little bit to get my appointment, because they were moving their office, but I did finally go in yesterday. Because of my ‘interesting/complicated’ medical history, the doctor I saw there has to send my paperwork (and the records they obtain from my PCP) to the medical director. My most recent blood draw should be within tolerance (that is, they shouldn’t have to take more, even though that wouldn’t bother me). Sometime within the next two weeks, they’ll let me know if it’s safe for me to go on testosterone—they work on a medical basis only—but they also always work towards a yes.

I had told them going in that my two biggest concerns were 1) would MaineCare cover it, and 2) would my vEDS be too much of a barrier. They were not worried about MaineCare at all, and are not overly worried about the vEDS.

I have socks to work on, a shawl that’s calling my name, my knitting machine wants me to play with it (I keep telling it I don’t have weights yet, but it’s impatient), and my pup just wants me to stay on the couch and cuddle her on this very, very rainy day.

For now I think I’ll just have a cup of tea.

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Tomorrow I go to my very first Hormone Replacement Therapy appointment, and hopefully I’ll get to start taking testosterone. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, I have a lot of health issues, but then again, I know of a lot of people with my specific health issues who are on T. :crosses fingers:

There’s also the fact that I’m genderqueer. I do lean masc, but not completely. I have all these conflicting feelings, but I also remember being 19 years old and reading about transition. I remember being in high school and wanting so badly to get rid of my chest (that feeling has never, ever gone away). I watch others transition, and it hurts.

When people call me ‘sir’, I walk on air for a few days.

I can’t stay this depressed any longer. I can’t every winter and summer look into transitioning. I’m forty fucking years old, I have to stop being scared of the boogeymen that are my parents and be myself.

I just hope I don’t come home disappointed.

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Category: Trans

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