Posted in Fiber, Knitting, Shawls

A Simple Escape

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Peaceful Coexistence 

My fingers have been itching for some shawl knitting, so I picked up my Narrow Escape and continued on the third wedge of garter short rows.

I love the difference between not just form, but also texture and color in this shawl. You could easily do it all in one color, and still have the motif stand out due to the mini-skein/short-row sections being in garter stitch.

I can’t say it’s a small shawl, when it uses 800-900m of fingering weight (I’m on the third of five wedges!), but the short-rows are like popcorn, and the stockinette just seems to grow under my fingers. It’s perfect reading or watching knitting.

And of course, it’s a very good to do with my pup on my lap as I rest and keep busy. She’s very good about staying out of the way while letting me knit!

Waiting for Weight

I decided to practice a bit on my knitting machine, but doing anything besides the most simple of constructions is nearly impossible without having weight to hold your work down (creating the tension).

I’ll be getting some this week. I can’t wait to get started on my first sweater on this!

Posted in Fiber, genderqueer, Knitting, Trans, transition

Hurry Up & Wait

@MountainColors Bearfeet, Blooming Gale
I always have socks on the needles. It means warm feet & a socially acceptable stim.

I started these socks over the weekend knowing I had several appointments this week. I use a medical ride company, Logisticare, and often spend quite a while in transit (since we have to pick up other patients) or waiting for my ride, and I see no point in wasting that time when I could be working on socks or a simple shawl.

Most of the increasing was done on Monday, and yesterday I did about half an inch. I knit a bit faster when I’m nervous, even when I’m being careful of my gauge. The last socks I took off the needles are just a titch tighter than I’d prefer.

Have I mentioned that only six months ago did my state decide to let Medicaid patients get transition services? And no one really even knows what that means. So far, HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) has been going through without issue from a pretty firm set of providers (I’m going to Planned Parenthood, who seems to be the ones covering my area) and sometimes even surgery has been approved.

It took a little bit to get my appointment, because they were moving their office, but I did finally go in yesterday. Because of my ‘interesting/complicated’ medical history, the doctor I saw there has to send my paperwork (and the records they obtain from my PCP) to the medical director. My most recent blood draw should be within tolerance (that is, they shouldn’t have to take more, even though that wouldn’t bother me). Sometime within the next two weeks, they’ll let me know if it’s safe for me to go on testosterone—they work on a medical basis only—but they also always work towards a yes.

I had told them going in that my two biggest concerns were 1) would MaineCare cover it, and 2) would my vEDS be too much of a barrier. They were not worried about MaineCare at all, and are not overly worried about the vEDS.

I have socks to work on, a shawl that’s calling my name, my knitting machine wants me to play with it (I keep telling it I don’t have weights yet, but it’s impatient), and my pup just wants me to stay on the couch and cuddle her on this very, very rainy day.

For now I think I’ll just have a cup of tea.

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Nervicited

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Tomorrow I go to my very first Hormone Replacement Therapy appointment, and hopefully I’ll get to start taking testosterone. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, I have a lot of health issues, but then again, I know of a lot of people with my specific health issues who are on T. :crosses fingers:

There’s also the fact that I’m genderqueer. I do lean masc, but not completely. I have all these conflicting feelings, but I also remember being 19 years old and reading about transition. I remember being in high school and wanting so badly to get rid of my chest (that feeling has never, ever gone away). I watch others transition, and it hurts.

When people call me ‘sir’, I walk on air for a few days.

I can’t stay this depressed any longer. I can’t every winter and summer look into transitioning. I’m forty fucking years old, I have to stop being scared of the boogeymen that are my parents and be myself.

I just hope I don’t come home disappointed.

 

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Posted in Fiber, Machine Knitting

Knitting Machine Adventures

I was given a few knitting machines a while back, but didn’t have the mental space to get them set up, since I was living rather rough at the time. I had traded my PC Bulky (a bulky machine with ribber; a KH/KR 260) for lessons in setting up and using my KH891, but my fiber guild leader somehow never had time after that for the two afternoon project (for a year and a half—and even now that I’ve reminded her again after my move, she’s dodging me). I wish I had the Bulky now! Or some help with some of the things I’m having to stumble across. I’d rather take the lessons, but it seems my things are stolen for nothing. Life when you’re already poor, people think you don’t deserve what you have.

But I am having fun watching the Machine Knitting course I bought for my last birthday, and YouTube videos, and trying them out with inexpensive yarn. Today I’m going to try a folded hem, then I move on to my first MK sweater.

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Numerical accuracy is more important than beauty, in my personal drafting

 

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The president’s SSI Plan is in Motion

There’s been a lot of consternation and fear in the disability community about the new measures impacting our lives that the current president is pushing through. 

  • There are the measures to hobble the ADA, Medicare, and Medicaid, taking funding from those insurance plans to prop up his failing budget. 
    • We already avoid going to the hospital or the doctor for fear of extra fees and undeclared copays. 
    • Many of us either skimp on or simply do not pick up our medication because it is too expensive for us, or is not in the formulary. 
      • I am without a heart-safe inhaler, which is why I so seldom use mine. A heart defect and albuterol do not a good pair make. My new doctor has tried to fix this, but has found out why that has never worked. 
      • I barely take my pain meds, as I cannot afford them. 
      • I did not and do not have the in-home help I need, because it would have to come OOP—the ‘properly’ trained staff are too far away. 
      • It’s not nearly just me. Did you read the ‘feel-good’ story about the kid who was slowly committing suicide to save his parent’s money on his insulin? Or you could not be as lucky as that young man, and not have parents around enough to see the symptoms until it was too late. 

But it’s not just health care they’re after. SNAP is on the block, for disabled adults they feel may be able to work at some point in the future, as well. They’re even adding in new classifications and redefining ‘able-bodied’ so they can take away your food. 

How does this help the economy? It doesn’t. SNAP comes from the Dept. of Agriculture, is a farmer subsidy before anything else, a corporate subsidy next (you can hire you workers cheaper, they buy in store, SNAP tends to give back $1.50 to the community it’s used in for every $1.00 spent), and then it’s a poverty benefit. 

My SNAP benefits were lowered a couple of months ago (despite my expenses going up). My fridge is nearly empty right now; on the bright side, I took the chance to do a full clean: shelves, drawers, and all. 😏 I have no ride to the grocery store right now. I’m grateful to still at least have my SNAP benefits, many people I know are losing theirs, or going down to $20/month. 

And today I received what I’ve been dreading in the mail. I’m permanently disabled on multiple axis—my evaluation period for SSI should be every 7 years (the most frequent should be 3 years). My last one was in February 2008. 

Today I received a new evaluation, to be received by the SSA by the end of the month. It focuses on my ability to work, have I worked, have I talked to my doctor about working; have I bothered to see a doctor in the past 2 years; have I had any hospital stays/surgeries (they will, apparently, make their determination on this). 

On this depends my life now. 

I have an appointment to find out if that lump is malignant. For catching up on all the appointments I missed not having a doctor for over a year. The usual specialists. I have a great case manager. An apartment. No car. 

I have the wheels in motion to start my physical transition finally, because there’s no more need to be in the closet. If I lose that, I don’t know. 

I don’t want to go back to being homeless, scared, sicker, cold, no way to eat, toilet, or wash easily. 

And I was worried about dealing with YCCA, and getting parts for my knitting machine (or trying to get help retrieving them). Perspective!

This is happening all over the U.S. There’s a reason government workers are now allowed to go Canada and Mexico to get their medication (and sometimes get their trips paid for)—it’s too expensive here!

Of course, I can’t afford medical tourism. 

In the meantime, I keep busy. My apartment is almost completely set up. I finished a 4290744E-C053-45DD-AA09-50A2F82680ADpair of socks. I’m ready to learn how to become more than a rank novice on my knitting machine (which took a bit of cleaning & maintenance, but it works, and seems to work well). I play with my pup and we’ve been taking walks around the park, which she loves. 

I try to manage. My rent plus utilities is over 50% of my SSI right now, and due to a mistake by the electric company (we hate CMP here in Maine) I’ve no idea how I’m going to take care of my next, overly inflated, bill (almost $150, and my usage is historically ~$25/month). 

Of course, I’m not the only one facing this either. Just the one who had it come today. I’ve spoken with several people just since yesterday who have gotten one of these, and many many more in the past few months. 

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Posted in Uncategorized

Samhain Tarot

I usually just use this for meditation
First for my Pépè, then my uncle, then the new year.

I usually use my tarot to help me meditate and relax, with no thought to what the books and such actually say about it. For me it’s usually all about the imagery and how it helps me look past my PTSD and process.

But tonight was Hallowe’en, and thus Sawhain, and a little ritual on what’s been a tremendously bad day felt like a good idea. It was stripped down to the bones and only had what I needed, but it was enough. And then I remembered my tarot deck. “Why not?” I thought.

I shuffled and drew one card for my deceased Pépère, one for my deceased uncle/brother (no, nothing shocking, just a late-in-life baby; my grandparents also often had custody of me), and one for the new year. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that a 3-card draw is a lay-out.

Each image spoke peace to me, but I couldn’t grok them, so I pulled out the LWB.

Pepe: Past: Ace of Wands: The possibly of creativity, excitement, adventure; a challenge to step forward with courage and confidence. 
My Pepe paid for my piano lessons starting when I was four, because I had watched him play, mesmerized. He made sure I had a working car as soon as I had a license, and that I could fix it. He never let insults to me stand. His wit and love helped me survive a childhood he would have stopped had he knew it was happening.

Uncle: Present: Four of Swords: Take a moment of respite. Close your eyes and find that still, quiet place at your core where inner strenth resides. Draw from that reserve in times to come.
My uncle was in many ways my brother. When I needed help, he was there, even when told to shun me. He’s the reason I have what I do from when I was homeless—he stored as much as he could in his garage for those years. When I apologized for turning my father in, he asked, “Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

It’s been driving me batty that I can’t do anything more to move along getting new housing. I’ve done everything. Thanks for the reminder.

New Year: Future: Six of Swords: A passage away from difficulties. This is a chance to recover after tribulation.
I know I’m on the ShelterPlus list. I know it’s only a 1-3 month waiting list on average. It’s been about 2 months. I just need to remind myself that this is temporary, then I’ll be safe with running water and central heat again. I can hold on.

Did the cards say anything I didn’t already know? Nah. But was it a good reminder of what I already knew, and needed to hear today? Yes. It’s how they actually work. They take what’s there and give you a new lens to see it through. I find it very helpful.

Would you like me to post about some of my meditations with tarot? It’s been cold enough that any fiber craft is difficult. Let me know!

 

Colorwork Socks—Tinking

(Also known as ‘tinking’.)
Unknitting each stitch to get back to my mistake.

Last night I decided to finish my ‘round’ (really the second halves of two socks) even though it was late. I wanted to have less than ten rounds of colorwork to go.

Hubris. I was tired and didn’t count properly and missed two stitches of the Opal (the lighter color). So this morning I’m ‘tinking’ (tink is knit backward) to my mistake point to fix it. I could have done duplicate stitch afterwards, but that wouldn’t feel the same to me. But un-floating all of these floats is a very good motivator to be more careful & alert from now on!

Fiber carefully, or share my fate! 🧟‍♀️

 

Posted in Fiber, Knitting

First Colorwork Socks

 

Yes, I’m using a variegated yarn for the colorwork. I think it works with the motif.
My latest knitting obsession

I actually started these socks a year ago this month. I got the feet, heels, and part of the cuff done, and then I started my ‘project’—my first colorwork. I grabbed an open right’s beginner’s cross-stitch (or maybe shrink bead) pattern, cut four balls of yarn, and got to work. (Experienced knitters are facepalming, here.)

I got nine rows in, dragging the Yarn B (Opal 6-strand) back to the beginning (while faithfully catching the floats going the correct way) before I stopped in pure, unadulterated frustration. I knew I was doing it wrong, and I could see the right way. But nine rows of 2mm needles, while Yarn A is Bearfoot (a yarn with 25% mohair!)… the impending frogging was intimidating. I put it off. For 11 months. I’m a bit ashamed.

The frogging wasn’t even that bad, nor was getting it back on the needles. The colorwork is two rows higher than before. Somehow I doubt it will be noticed.

Also, FLK heels are fun and comfy!
Making socks is when I’m glad I wear an EU 36. 😉

I took the balls and Russian joined the ones from each sock (waste not, want not), and on a fresh round started the colorwork again, this time carrying the Opal around the entire sock, picking up the alternating strands as I went. This actually went faster, the outside work looked neater, and the inside! Well. I’m not worried about catching my toes anymore, and that was a major concern previously. I am a bit worried about tension, that I may not have left enough looseness to the strands, but I’ve been trying since the beginning, so that’s either 1) worry-worting, or 2) something to practice.

I have too many stitch markers. They are a weakness.
Yes, the inside of the sock, I am unashamed.

Those 27 rows of doubled yarn will keep that part of my leg much more warm! That’s a good bit of the point of colorwork.

I’m currently ‘catching’ strands simply by hooking them behind each other. I know that there are more involved, intricate ways, but this is doing the job well, and is quick and simple. Maybe the other versions don’t allow the strands to tighten up? That’s something I’ll have to look into for next time.

For now, does anyone have an idea of what the final design is?

Posted in Photography, Uncategorized

From Foliage to Frost, Part 1

16 Sept 18
The very first leaves begin to turn

I was out with my service dog on our morning walk, enjoying the sunshine, and I looked up from her antics and saw that a few days had really changed things. Color was starting to tip the leaves, but not by much. Except for one tree who had a scarf of color all set out early, eager to hit the fall fashion runway. Who was I to deny? I took a picture.

23 Sept 18
Draped with style in yellow & orange

It just can’t help itself. Look at how it carefully chooses it’s yellows and oranges in a serpentine streak through the tree, holding the green to keep a strong contrast. The other trees look a bit askance at it, being so bright so early, but it’s happy to show it’s colors.

29 Sept 18
More orange, but happy with the look for now

For now, a week later, the tree has decided that orange is it’s happy color, and it’s only using yellow as an accent. We’re beginning to see a few hints of red, but I don’t think it will be a major player this year for this daring tree. Orange and yellow are the colors of choice, but don’t be surprised to see much more daring, and more widespread, uses of those shades!